Early Christmas Gift

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I had mentioned to my mother that I was saving up to run the King Crab Challenge in 2015. It’s the only scheduled race I have for next year since I need to back down on the number of events I register for. Living on one income means making some sacrifices and after the nice, active year I’ve had, I don’t mind. My husband and I agreed on one major event a year and I chose this one. My mother surprised me by paying for my registration as my Christmas gift. I’m truly fortunate to have such supportive family members.

I had my eating disorder evaluation today. I was beyond anxious about it and kept telling myself that I must look completely out of place in the clinic. I didn’t look sick. I looked normal. There’s no way the doctor would believe I had a problem. After years of the Navy telling me I wasn’t that sick and I just needed to eat more, I’ve begun to think I didn’t have a problem. However, could it really be normal to work out 7 days a week for 2 hours at a time or lose 45 lbs in 6 months when I really only had about 20 extra lbs on me? Was the obsession to getting to the next meal and planning it out hours in advance normal? Those are just some of the things I’ve been dealing with. However, I felt as though I was in the wrong place and that both the doctor and the social worker probably thought I was overreacting and being dramatic. I was wrong.

I was informed that I was well on the low end of my acceptable weight. The weight I feared weighing was actually the best weight for me to be. The additional 10 lbs I feel I still need to lose is completely insane. I stared at them in disbelief. But I need to lose it. I’m pretty sure they wanted to shake me. There was a discussion on treatment plan and the meal plan I need to follow. I’m not being told to gain weight but I’m not supposed to lose anymore. I left confused. I don’t look sick. I don’t think I look sick. Looks like I need to have someone else be my eyes for the way I see myself.

I went because I can’t continue to live like this. It’s tiring. I can’t stop, though. I’ve tried and all it results in is me freaking out and continuing to restrict and hate myself. I’m tired of this and need to work on it. Finally having access to specialized care is wonderful. The Navy could care less and just threw pills at me in hopes that it would somehow offset it. They didn’t want to work on the anxiety or eating disorder. They just wanted to give me the energy to be able to work again. Wonderful, right?

I’m scared to death to follow the meal plan. It’s SO MUCH FOOD. That equates to weight gain to me. I’m scared to try it because what if I gain? All that hard work and control will be gone. It’s sad that this is what comes to my mind, especially given that the food that was listed is healthy things not junk. Still, it’s terrifying to add to my food intake.

I hope this gets easier…

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